Why Now?

So why have I decided to start this blog now. Let me see if I can explain.



My social phobia is always there but when I'm having a good patch day to day life is okay. It's not what most people would describe as normal but it's manageable for me. It is only certain situations such as large meetings or social events which set off the worse symptoms, but at times even these are manageable. A lot depends on who I'm with as if I'm only with people I'm more comfortable with it can be okay. I'm not good if there are a lot of 'strangers' as part of the group.
However when I'm having a bad patch everyday life is difficult. I don't want to see or communicate with anyone and the self enforced isolation can be very depressing. Often the anticipation of an event or a series of events which I'm not able to avoid can bring on a bad patch. Thoughts of how I'm going to cope (or not) play on my mind.



My cousin is getting married in December, not a favourite event but certainly one I will be unable to avoid. December also brings with it the usual Christmas parties and events. At work we always used to have two parties, the formal one for the entire company with partners which I only attended once the year I started and never went to again and a department one which was very informal, no partners and just a bit of a laugh really, most years I felt able to attend even if only for a short while. A couple of years ago the formal party was scrapped as the company had grown too large to make it viable and it was decided that the departmental one would be made more formal inviting partners etc. I didn't manage to attend last year and although I've said I'll go this year I doubt I'll be there.



My big problem however comes in January, my little brother is getting married. My family know I have issues but we've never really discussed it and they don't really understand how I can have problems with family events. He wants me to get involved and although I vetoed the idea of being a bridesmaid, I am going to be one of their witnesses. I live several hundred miles away from my family, my brother has known his fiancee for a while but they got engaged quite soon after they became a couple and so far I've not yet met the bride to be. I'll probably meet her at my cousin's wedding and maybe see her at Christmas, so she is a 'stranger' to me. Every time I speak to anyone in my family all they talk about is the wedding. I understand why but all it does is send a shot of fear through me.


Recently things haven't been good. I've been struggling to go to work and when I'm there I'm not working well with others. I have way too much work to do but having to deal with people and certain people tipped me over the edge and in order to vent I posted an (in retrospect) ill advised comment on facebook. My boss and several other people from work are friends on there. This was on a Friday and on the following week my boss called me to a meeting to let me know I had been unprofessional and that he and others had spotted the comment. We discussed the work related issues and I ended up telling him about my social phobia.

Basically my boss is the only person I've ever told, talking to people about this is difficult. The trouble is if you don't tell people they don't understand and can interpret your actions as something else. Someone who I used to have a bit of banter with on facebook (mainly about football) but he has removed himself as my friend and that upset me a bit.


I'm writing this blog just for me really, as a place where I can put my thoughts in some sort of order (albeit in a rambling and lengthy way). I'm not going into specifics to avoid the facebook problem. If anyone reads it all well and good but even if I'm talking to myself, I think it will help.