As I have mentioned before I have been having some problems at work, not all of which have been due to the Social Phobia. I work in Finance and my team is Strategic Planning & Corporate Projects. The rest of the department deal with the present and near history but my team deal with the future (or any major historic analysis). With the credit crunch etc. all businesses have been having to find ways to cope especially in this industry. The company is looking into some projects and future plans which means a significant amount of extra work for my team.
Basically what my team does is split into two areas, we are responsible for costing all the projects and are heavily involved in budgetting and forcasting. The other area (the one which I greatly prefer) is we are in charge of the software and models (built using the software) that the department uses. We are trying to get as much regular work as possible off of spreadsheets and onto another system. Doing this makes everyone else's life easier and improves efficiency in the department. This also makes us appear as an IT helpdesk for the department with everyone thinking we are at their beck and call.
The problem is that due to the nature of most of the projects we work on being highly confidential, the rest of the department are not aware of what we are doing and don't understand why we aren't working on the areas which improve what they are doing. When doing these projects we usually need input from them without being able to tell them why it is needed and if they feel that we are not helping them they can be quite obstructive which leads to conflict and that makes my Social Phobia worse.
The only way round this is for my team to expand so we can still work on the developments while working on the projects. However there is a employment freeze going on at work so I hadn't pushed it but after my little facebook outburst I discussed it with my boss and we talked to the CFO. He has agreed that we will be getting more resource.
The rational part of me is very happy that I will have some extra resource to help with the work but the phobic part is freaking out. My current employee has been with us for about 18 months and I have eventually gotten comfortable working with him. He has also got used to how I work. I know I can't be the easiest boss to work for but we seem to work quite well together. The work we do is quite specialist and when we were last recruiting it was a long drawn out and painful process (at least for me).
The thought of having to interview candidates, then train up and work with someone new is playing on my mind but I know it has got to be done and it is the right way to go. I'm sure this will probably get worse as it becomes a reality but I'll just have to find a way to deal with it.
Well as I'm typing this it is Sunday evening and I've had no real human contact since Friday. Let's hope tomorrow is a good day and going to work isn't as bad as it has been recently.
Sunday, 18 October 2009
Friday, 16 October 2009
Why Now?
So why have I decided to start this blog now. Let me see if I can explain.
My social phobia is always there but when I'm having a good patch day to day life is okay. It's not what most people would describe as normal but it's manageable for me. It is only certain situations such as large meetings or social events which set off the worse symptoms, but at times even these are manageable. A lot depends on who I'm with as if I'm only with people I'm more comfortable with it can be okay. I'm not good if there are a lot of 'strangers' as part of the group.
However when I'm having a bad patch everyday life is difficult. I don't want to see or communicate with anyone and the self enforced isolation can be very depressing. Often the anticipation of an event or a series of events which I'm not able to avoid can bring on a bad patch. Thoughts of how I'm going to cope (or not) play on my mind.
My cousin is getting married in December, not a favourite event but certainly one I will be unable to avoid. December also brings with it the usual Christmas parties and events. At work we always used to have two parties, the formal one for the entire company with partners which I only attended once the year I started and never went to again and a department one which was very informal, no partners and just a bit of a laugh really, most years I felt able to attend even if only for a short while. A couple of years ago the formal party was scrapped as the company had grown too large to make it viable and it was decided that the departmental one would be made more formal inviting partners etc. I didn't manage to attend last year and although I've said I'll go this year I doubt I'll be there.
My big problem however comes in January, my little brother is getting married. My family know I have issues but we've never really discussed it and they don't really understand how I can have problems with family events. He wants me to get involved and although I vetoed the idea of being a bridesmaid, I am going to be one of their witnesses. I live several hundred miles away from my family, my brother has known his fiancee for a while but they got engaged quite soon after they became a couple and so far I've not yet met the bride to be. I'll probably meet her at my cousin's wedding and maybe see her at Christmas, so she is a 'stranger' to me. Every time I speak to anyone in my family all they talk about is the wedding. I understand why but all it does is send a shot of fear through me.
Recently things haven't been good. I've been struggling to go to work and when I'm there I'm not working well with others. I have way too much work to do but having to deal with people and certain people tipped me over the edge and in order to vent I posted an (in retrospect) ill advised comment on facebook. My boss and several other people from work are friends on there. This was on a Friday and on the following week my boss called me to a meeting to let me know I had been unprofessional and that he and others had spotted the comment. We discussed the work related issues and I ended up telling him about my social phobia.
Basically my boss is the only person I've ever told, talking to people about this is difficult. The trouble is if you don't tell people they don't understand and can interpret your actions as something else. Someone who I used to have a bit of banter with on facebook (mainly about football) but he has removed himself as my friend and that upset me a bit.
I'm writing this blog just for me really, as a place where I can put my thoughts in some sort of order (albeit in a rambling and lengthy way). I'm not going into specifics to avoid the facebook problem. If anyone reads it all well and good but even if I'm talking to myself, I think it will help.
My social phobia is always there but when I'm having a good patch day to day life is okay. It's not what most people would describe as normal but it's manageable for me. It is only certain situations such as large meetings or social events which set off the worse symptoms, but at times even these are manageable. A lot depends on who I'm with as if I'm only with people I'm more comfortable with it can be okay. I'm not good if there are a lot of 'strangers' as part of the group.
However when I'm having a bad patch everyday life is difficult. I don't want to see or communicate with anyone and the self enforced isolation can be very depressing. Often the anticipation of an event or a series of events which I'm not able to avoid can bring on a bad patch. Thoughts of how I'm going to cope (or not) play on my mind.
My cousin is getting married in December, not a favourite event but certainly one I will be unable to avoid. December also brings with it the usual Christmas parties and events. At work we always used to have two parties, the formal one for the entire company with partners which I only attended once the year I started and never went to again and a department one which was very informal, no partners and just a bit of a laugh really, most years I felt able to attend even if only for a short while. A couple of years ago the formal party was scrapped as the company had grown too large to make it viable and it was decided that the departmental one would be made more formal inviting partners etc. I didn't manage to attend last year and although I've said I'll go this year I doubt I'll be there.
My big problem however comes in January, my little brother is getting married. My family know I have issues but we've never really discussed it and they don't really understand how I can have problems with family events. He wants me to get involved and although I vetoed the idea of being a bridesmaid, I am going to be one of their witnesses. I live several hundred miles away from my family, my brother has known his fiancee for a while but they got engaged quite soon after they became a couple and so far I've not yet met the bride to be. I'll probably meet her at my cousin's wedding and maybe see her at Christmas, so she is a 'stranger' to me. Every time I speak to anyone in my family all they talk about is the wedding. I understand why but all it does is send a shot of fear through me.
Recently things haven't been good. I've been struggling to go to work and when I'm there I'm not working well with others. I have way too much work to do but having to deal with people and certain people tipped me over the edge and in order to vent I posted an (in retrospect) ill advised comment on facebook. My boss and several other people from work are friends on there. This was on a Friday and on the following week my boss called me to a meeting to let me know I had been unprofessional and that he and others had spotted the comment. We discussed the work related issues and I ended up telling him about my social phobia.
Basically my boss is the only person I've ever told, talking to people about this is difficult. The trouble is if you don't tell people they don't understand and can interpret your actions as something else. Someone who I used to have a bit of banter with on facebook (mainly about football) but he has removed himself as my friend and that upset me a bit.
I'm writing this blog just for me really, as a place where I can put my thoughts in some sort of order (albeit in a rambling and lengthy way). I'm not going into specifics to avoid the facebook problem. If anyone reads it all well and good but even if I'm talking to myself, I think it will help.
To Begin...
At the start of this I guess I should introduce myself and the theme of this blog.
Well I'm Sue, I'm 28 and I suffer from Social Phobia.
Social Phobia is also known as Social Anxiety Disorder and for those of you who are not aware of what this is I'll paraphrase a description from Wikipedia.
"Social anxiety disorder also known as social anxiety or social phobia refers to excessive social anxiety (anxiety in social situations) causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some areas of daily life. The diagnosis can be of a specific disorder (when only some particular situations are feared) or a generalised disorder. Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being judged by others and of potentially being embarrassed or humiliated by one's own actions. These fears can be triggered by perceived or actual scrutiny by others. While the fear of social interaction may be recognized by the person as excessive or unreasonable, considerable difficulty can be encountered overcoming it.
Physical symptoms often accompanying social anxiety disorder include excessive blushing, sweating, trembling, palpitations, nausea, and stammering. Panic attacks may also occur under intense fear and discomfort."
In my case it is more of a generalised disorder although I find some situations much harder than others. I can't remember a time when I didn't suffer from this although it took me a long time to recognise what it was. I just knew I felt differently to other people. I do suffer from most of the physical symptoms at different times including panic attacks if I feel like I'm trapped in a social situation. I'm also asthmatic and the combination of the two can be quite unpleasant. When I'm having a bad time of it I don't want to leave the house and any form of communication is difficult even reading or replying to emails seems hard.
I'm able to work which some people with this disorder aren't, I went to uni and I've also managed to qualify as an accountant. I currently work as something akin to a projects/systems accountant and I'm much happier with my job when I have to work with systems rather than people. Sometimes it is not too bad when I can concentrate on what I'm doing and block out the fact that there are other people there. I have one direct report and I work in an open plan office with about 40 people in it and at times it can seem like a very claustrophobic place with everyone closing in on me.
I try to get involved in social events and not become a total hermit and sometimes I'm more successful than others. Mine is a lonely life, if you are scared of people and don't let them get close then there isn't really another option.
I think that is enough for now. I don't know how often I'll post to this blog it'll depend on how capable I am of communicating. Next time I will probably go into what inspired me to start this blog now.
Well I'm Sue, I'm 28 and I suffer from Social Phobia.
Social Phobia is also known as Social Anxiety Disorder and for those of you who are not aware of what this is I'll paraphrase a description from Wikipedia.
"Social anxiety disorder also known as social anxiety or social phobia refers to excessive social anxiety (anxiety in social situations) causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some areas of daily life. The diagnosis can be of a specific disorder (when only some particular situations are feared) or a generalised disorder. Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being judged by others and of potentially being embarrassed or humiliated by one's own actions. These fears can be triggered by perceived or actual scrutiny by others. While the fear of social interaction may be recognized by the person as excessive or unreasonable, considerable difficulty can be encountered overcoming it.
Physical symptoms often accompanying social anxiety disorder include excessive blushing, sweating, trembling, palpitations, nausea, and stammering. Panic attacks may also occur under intense fear and discomfort."
In my case it is more of a generalised disorder although I find some situations much harder than others. I can't remember a time when I didn't suffer from this although it took me a long time to recognise what it was. I just knew I felt differently to other people. I do suffer from most of the physical symptoms at different times including panic attacks if I feel like I'm trapped in a social situation. I'm also asthmatic and the combination of the two can be quite unpleasant. When I'm having a bad time of it I don't want to leave the house and any form of communication is difficult even reading or replying to emails seems hard.
I'm able to work which some people with this disorder aren't, I went to uni and I've also managed to qualify as an accountant. I currently work as something akin to a projects/systems accountant and I'm much happier with my job when I have to work with systems rather than people. Sometimes it is not too bad when I can concentrate on what I'm doing and block out the fact that there are other people there. I have one direct report and I work in an open plan office with about 40 people in it and at times it can seem like a very claustrophobic place with everyone closing in on me.
I try to get involved in social events and not become a total hermit and sometimes I'm more successful than others. Mine is a lonely life, if you are scared of people and don't let them get close then there isn't really another option.
I think that is enough for now. I don't know how often I'll post to this blog it'll depend on how capable I am of communicating. Next time I will probably go into what inspired me to start this blog now.
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